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cheers.
crystal.
like the ephemeral candyfloss.
if words were enogh to describe the intense of the emotions.
07:40
Monday, 9 March 2009
some posts i have been keepin for a while.
Entry Dated: 11Jan09 21:32 i thought my tears would never stop. i thought they would just flow out endlessly. somehow it always subsides. feelings, they always leave in the end. when it is too unbearable, it would just stop. it will always stop. i do not know why im feeling this terrible. maybe i cared more than i thought so. maybe im just sick of everything. i was already sure of how it would turn out. i already knew, yet i jumped into it, knowingly. how could i be so stupid. deceiving my self, over and over again. am i a fool? But it will go away, like it always does, i know it will...
Entry Dated: 24Jan09 16:05 I don't know how I feel. Is this one phrase I've repeated far too many times? I no longer want to think. I'm just breathing ,doing everything out of routine. I'm so tired of my life, of the things I'm doing. I want to space out, desperately. To not think, but i know exactly isn't possible.I'm not looking forward to my future, and what holds in place for me. What exactly is my purpose in life? What am I here for? Growing older,day by day, but little seems to have changed. I don't recall a moment I was sure of myself. I care too excessively,about what others think - about me. If excessive is the word. Shouldn't one be living out his life for himself? So what exactly am I doing? Yet, i couldn't care less about things that happen - to other people.I guess Rachel was right. Even if she had told me she was going to die right in front of my face, i wouldn't have gave a damn about it. How horrible, I know. I was shocked (or rather, horrified) at that relevation, even though i knew that deep down I've always thought so as well. It merely stunned me hearing it come out from another mouth. So I quickly changed the subject. Maybe why I could relate to Bella in New Moon can be attributed to this, when Edward left. People like Safiah couldn't understand. Not that I went through painstaking matters as well. But, I'm just living, for the sake of living. I'm immune, numb, to everything. I'm beginning to switch off more often,recently. Starting to cry more whenever I'm alone. Not a good sign, as usual. But at first I thought it was going away when,i found new friends. Apparently not. The pain isn't going anyway, not anytime soon. I'm slipping back into It. Again, like always.
Entry Dated: 27Jan09 12:07 I got depressed by the love between them. Or should i say, dejected? How pathetic. Anyway, depressed is such a harsh word. But how else do I explain the tears yesterday? On such a happy occasion. Or rather,an occasion that was meant to be. Yet, I'm deeply addicted. 3 times in 3 days. I should stop and move on (ironical as it sounds).
Entry Dated: 13Feb09 21:00 I'm crying. again. honestly. I'm so annoyed at myself. I'm talking to sy. I hate breaching the subject it just feels worse everytime. Like how guilty I am when im not talkin to them.Yet everytime I do I can't help myself. I'm such a mean daughter.
Entry Dated: 02March09 16:50 Im so glad everything is imperfect by even just a little in their own ways. Just a little, in their own ways. I don't know if I could take it anymore if anything else was as perfect. Do i keep plunging myself into depression or am i already into it but just worsening it all the same? I know i don't want the end to come. Cowardly,i admit. But how can anyone understand and be apathetic and unfeeling at the same time? I can't, for one. Im so sick of crying, though the tears will never run dry. Can i -will i- ever be like her? Like them? Can i find blithe? Or maybe i just don't deserve it. If this is purgatory.
Entry Dated: 05March09 06:32 Why did things have to develop this way? I can hardly remember how happy we used to be. Before he started to be irresponsible, at least. How i used to be so close, how far i am now. How ridiculous and impossible this seems. Does anything matter anymore?
Entry Dated: 05 March09 06:49 I just thought it would be over sooner than this. That i didn't have to act this way, not in public at least. To think i even said otherwise. So confidently. So much for the trying.
07:25
Pale as ice you passed me by; I wondered how you really felt, And waited through the chainging times, To see if you would one day melt. I thought that ice would melt with warmth, But there were things i did not know: The sun can touch the outer layers But does not reach the deepest snow. Winter sometimes seems like years, Summer's sometimes far away. But winter always turns to summer, As surely as does night to day.
the creation of this blog was not for others to realise its existence, but rather, to vent out whatever i have to keep to myself.
When you say thank you to me, For some reason it hurts, Like a magic spell that doesn’t Get undone even after the good bye A hint of bitterness.
The flavor of life Stuck midpoint between friends and lovers, Like an un-riped fruit dreaming about the day of harvest Because of being unable to just move one more step forward What’s causing this frustration baby
When you say thank you to me, For some reason it hurts, Like a magic spell that doesn’t Get undone even after the good bye. A hint of bitterness The flavor of life
Sweet talk and tasteless conversations. it sparks no interest in me even when things do not go the way you want it doesnt mean you’ve thrown your life away
When asked ‘what’s wrong?’ I answer ‘it’s nothing’ The smile that disappears after goodbye It’s unlike me
The more i wish to believe in you, For some reason it hurts even more ‘i like you a lot’ instead of ‘i love you’ sounds more like you the flavor of life
The period when you suddenly remember the scent of someone you had almost forgotten I want to be able to openly and honestly cherish the white purity of the falling snow more A future tender and warmer than a diamond I want to grasp it, in this limited time we have, i want to spend it with you
When you say thank you to me, For some reason it hurts, Like a magic spell that doesnt Get undone even after the good bye. A hint of bitterness The flavor of life
Shoot shoot shoot. I should be studyin hard for my chem test. As much i dont want to study, i dont wanna fail for a lvls. which is why i attended mj in the first place. cos i knew it would uproot my 10 yrs of bad habits and force me to start muggin.
